On monday I received a letter in the mail that took my breath away! Ive been scheduled for a presurgery consultation with the surgent. There are two surgeries that I will go through. The first one is to remove my breasts. The second one is to turn my clitoris into a penis.
To me the first surgery is the more important one. Its the one that will make all the difference to me socially.
The biggest stigma as a transman is to constantly be mistaken for a woman. People see you have breasts they, naturally, assume youre a woman. I have a male name. And I also have facial hair. But men dont have breasts. Taking my breasts away will change how people see me. And how they treat me.
Whenever I meet new people I make sure to wear a hoodie. Ive never been able to find a binder so hoodies are my best disguise.
After the surgery I’ll be able to wear anything I want without having to worry about what people will think about my gender. Im always nervous about letting someone see me in a tshirt the first time.
Will they look at me weird? Will they ask? If I tell this person Im transsexual, what reaction will I get?
Im quite convinced waking up from the surgery will be an emotional shock. My two favorite hate objects will be gone! The number one thing Ive hated about my body for the past twenty years will suddenly no longer be there! My body image, and selfimage, will have to change drastically.
My hatred and distgust for my body has become a part of my identity. If what I hate about my body is no longer there I have to redefine myself. Im going to have an identity crisis!
As my transition has moved along and my body has changed it has changed how I feel about myself. When I first saw the photo here above I was startled at how small my hips are now. Ive always been quite curvy. Was aware my bodyshapes had changed, but hadnt realized just how much!
I will wake up from the surgery confused lost and possibly scared. But I will also feel liberated blessed and strong.
Thank you for stopping by.
Being an open transman makes me an obvious target for curiousity. Most people have never come across another transperson before. A few have met transwomen before. But almost noone have ever met a transman. It seems transwomen are more common than transmen.
Often people have questions. But usually they blush and squirm quite a lot before getting around to asking. So allow me to say this: There are two reasons that I speak so openly, both in real life and online, about being a transman. First reason is venting. We all need to vent from time to time, and both Twitter and this blog are excellent tools for that. Second reason is spreading the word. I do it for the sake of myself and others in the same situation. To spread knowledge and understanding about us and what we go through. There is very little information about transpeople available. Particularly about transmen. I am only one man, but I do what I can.
So no, I dont mind you asking. Quite the contrary. I want you to ask. It makes me happy when someone shows an interest in my situation. All I ask is, what anyone would ask, that you show proper respect.
“If you dont mind me asking…” is a very nice phrase and a very nice way to start a question. It shows me that you are aware, that what you are about to ask, is very personal. And that you respect my privacy. If you ask your question in a respectful way, then most likely, I dont mind. And I will do my absolute best to answer it for you.
Some people really need to learn that phrase. Sometimes people send me quite blunt DMs on Twitter. Theyre opening line might be “Are you in transition?” Or “Hows the sexchange going?”. No “Hi. How are you?”. Just straight to the point. If I havent spoken to you in a while, or ever, I will consider this rude. And most likely wont bother to reply.
Obviously if I tweet, or blog, about my transition or generally about being trans, Im prepared. Ive taken the first step and thereby invited you. To comment or ask. So feel free.
Seems to me that people mostly belong to two different categories. Either they are very afraid to ask. And almost overly respectful. Or they are completly unaware of the need to be respectful at all.
The worst case ever of the latter I had just last week at work.
Our boss/supervisor was gone for the day. Therefor we had a substitute. This day we also had a visitor, Åsa. She was there to see our workplace, and learn how our job is done. Half way through the day we were all sitting in the break room. We were talking about a little this, and a little that. But suddenly we seemed to run out of topics. So our substitute supervisor turns to me and says: Well Liam, maybe you can tell about your “journey”?
Every one of my coworkers knew exactly what she meant. And I was not the only one pissed off! She seriously suggested that I would tell our guest about my transsexualism, like a form of entertainment! I personally had to calm two of my coworkers down to make sure they didnt rip her a new one.
Two days later me and my boss had to sit down with this substitute and I explained to her that talking about my transsexualism can often be quite delicate and intimate. Kinda like if I would ask her about the last time she had sex and how that felt. That I often chose to talk about it anyway. For the sake of informing and enlightening. And sometimes Im forced to talk about it. And to be honest, its never easy. Everytime I open up and tell someone about what its like, I automatically make myself vulnerable. And making yourself vulnerable to total strangers is the scariest thing anyone could ever do.
Such is life for a transsexual in transition. Vulnerable and scary. But growing stronger with each experience.
If you want to make my day, ask away! As long as you respect the intimacy of the issue. Which, in my experience, most of you do.
Thank you for stopping by.
Many of the people I talk to are very curious about the physical transition. How is it done? And what exactly happens? So let me tell you about it!
Im gonna divide it into two parts. The hormone treatment and the surgery. Im gonna leave the surgery for a later post and focus on the effects of the hormones in this post.
Last June I was given the permission to start my hormonal treatment, and a few weeks later I took the first injection up my bum. The doctors had told me over and over and over about what effects and sideeffects to expect. Already after a few hours I started to feel sore in three places. My throat. My clitoris. And my ovaries.
I had been told the testosterone would, with time, shut down my ovaries completely. The next day I started bleeding. Kinda like a big menstruation, but different. It looked almost like pure blood coming out of me, and didnt smell at all, like periods usually do. For once it didnt bother me much to bleed like this. Id been told itd be the last time. Really enjoyed the fact that my hateful ovaries was now dying. Wouldve celebrated if I hadnt been feeling so sore. The bleeding continued for almost a week.
After just a few days I felt there was something “down there” that hadnt been there before. Feeling a strong distgust with the genitals I was born with it took me quite a while before I got around to dropping my pants and checking it out. And holy crap! Would you look at that?! It looked like a penis! A very small penis. But still a PENIS!!! When I later measured it, in its erected state, it was 5,5 cm/ 2,2 inches. It hasnt grown since. Pretty sure I fell in love with it at first sight.
Technically its called an “enlarged clitoris”, not a penis. But I dont care. I call it my dick, my cock, my penis. Thats what it looks like. And thats what it feels like. A nice effect from the testosterone is that it makes my dick more sensitive to touch, which makes it a whole lot easier to have an orgasm. Sorry ladies. Your hormones are working against you. 😉
For sake of the guys that keep asking me: Yes. I have erections. Ive had them from the start. They feel really nice. But as long as I keep my pants on, you cant see it. Because my dick is that small. 😛
The day after the first shot I felt a change in my throat. When I asked people they couldnt for sure say if they heard a difference in my voice. But I for sure felt a difference. Whenever I spoke I felt vibrations in my throat, much larger than before. Took a while to get used to.
When I had my second shot my voice immediately dropped so low noone could deny the change. And with each shot it seems to go deeper. Im loving my new voice! I can now sing along to Metallicas “Nothing else matters” in a way I never could before.
Other changes. I now pee less. Instead I sweat more. And apparently my sweat smell differently. Ew. Im growing hair in almost every place possible. My face and my forarms were the first places I noticed it. My eyebrows pretty soon got thicker. Since then my legs shoulders back ass and below my bellybutton have followed. Even my toes are a little hairy! And just recently Ive noticed some chesthair.
I could never have guessed that growing body hair, especially facial hair, would have such a profound effect on my selfesteem and how I felt about myself. Simply dont have the heart to shave off my facial hair. I love it so much!
Another change I was looking forward to was losing my feminine shapes. Adding testosterone changes where my body stores its fat. I have now lost my hips and have instead gotten a bit of a belly.
Years ago I stopped wearing underwear because I didnt want to wear womens underwear. I tried wearing mens boxers, but They didnt fit, I had too much bootie. After years of going commando I felt my body changing. With a careful hope in my heart I bought a pair of tightfitting boxers, the kind I so badly wanted to wear. As soon as I came home I nervously tried them on. Oh my god the feeling when I realized they fitted me perfectly!
This is yet another thing that have really helped me feel more comfortable with myself.
My voice my penis my facial hair and my brandnew boxers have made an enormous difference to my quality of life.
The doctors say it will take about 2-3 years before I have a full effect of the hormones.
Here is the two major downsides to taking hormones:
1. I have to take hormones every 12 weeks for the rest of my life. Taking these hormones has completly shut down my bodys own natural production of hormones. The body needs hormones in order to stay alive. So if I stop taking hormones, I die.
2. Forcing unnatural hormones into my body raises the risk of getting cancer significantly. The doctors are therefor monitoring me for the rest of my life to make sure they catch it early, if it happens. They might decide to remove my ovaries as a precaution.
These two downsides are, of course, scary. But considering the improved quality of life for me, I personally, consider it well worth the risks. I wouldnt want to be without it.
Thanks for stopping by.
My name is Liam. Im 34 years old. I live in a small town called Hässleholm in Sweden. Im just your everyday kind of guy. Nothing special at all. Except Im a transsexual. With a severe ADHD. No big deal.
Ive been told people admire me because of what I go through. Id say Im only doing what it takes to live with no regrets. But I understand that people have a lot of questions. That they are curious. Transsexuals after all isnt all that common. I guess Im a bit exotic to them. Not to mention the great mystery of what the heck it is that makes some people transsexual. On that Ive got no clue. Theories. But no clue.
Just to clarify: I am a man. Born with female genitals. This is called being a transman. Some people hears the word transman and thinks Im a dragqueen. Not sure how they come to that conclusion?
Transsexual is being born with the wrong genitals.
Transvestite means youre happy with your genitals but enjoy dressing up as the opposite gender.
Transgender is a collective word for all kinds of gender benders. Anything from transvestite to transsexual can be called transgender.
Transsexual is actually a word I personally dont like. Because it has nothing to do with my sexuality. My gender identity is what gender I identify as. My sexual identity is what gender Im attracted to. Transsexual is not a sexual orientation.
Im a transsexual male. Im also a homosexual, as Im attracted to men.
Some believe that homosexual and transsexual is the same thing. They think that some men are attracted to men because they wish they were women. That one slapped me in the face first time I came across it.
Yes, I think some of the questions I get asked are dumb. But it takes guts to ask a dumb question. So I will love you for asking. And for giving me the chance to inform and enlighten you. I love getting the chance to spread knowledge and understanding about my situation. Whether it is about being transsexual or about living with ADHD. Come at me! I will do my best to answer your questions.
So. I caved in. I made a blog. A blog about my life as a transsexual man living with ADHD in a small town in Sweden.
Thanks for stopping by!